Daily leadership

by Parvez Sheik Fareed

5:00: Alarm goes off. Hitting snooze.

5:10: Alarm goes off again. Hitting snooze again.

5:20: Alarm goes off. Getting up.

5:25: Practising my false smile whilst having a shower.

5.30: I kiss my sleeping wife on the forehead and whisper “I know there’s only, only one like you. There’s no way they could have made two.”

5:35: Playing one level of Candy Crush on my BlackBerry.

5:45: My chauffeur picks me up.

6:00: Arriving at the office. Checking emails.

6:15: Conference call with regional CEOs. Everybody tells a joke.

6.45: Phone call with local CEOs who are in trouble. I say things like “We need to maintain a high quality standard which enables the sustainable growth of added value” or “The challenging demands will leave no room for positive stability”. I use the latter with the CEOs I don’t like.

7:00 Calling my PA to request a croissant with orange jam.

7:07: The croissant arrives but with strawberry jam. This is the kind of thing that really pisses me off!

7:08: I threaten my PA that I will fire her if she can’t get the orange jam immediately.

7:10: Waiting in pure agony for two minutes for my PA to arrive with the orange jam.

7:11: Finally enjoying my croissant.

7:20: Still enjoying my croissant.

7.30: Still enjoying my croissant. I’m very emotional about my croissant.

7:35: Demonstrating leadership: I call my PA and compliment her on getting me the orange jam.

7:45: First meeting with the leadership team. Subject: Adaptation of email signatures due to global restructuring programme.

10:00: Meeting over. We enjoyed many slides of SuperSquare. Except for Peter Thompson: he presented in PowerPoint. This clearly violates our code of presentation. I have asked him to leave the company, effective immediately.

10:05: Going to the restroom to play three levels of Candy Crush.

10:15: Writing emails. Mostly to escort agencies.

10:45: Conference call with legal executives regarding an acquisition.

11:45: Conference call over. I have no clue what is going on, but I will be chairing the board of the acquired company. Also, I secured a bunch of shares. Our holiday home needs a renovation.

11:50: Phone call with my wife. I say “yes”, “certainly, honey” and “absolutely” whilst playing Candy Crush. It’s a terrific round!

12:00: Lunch with shareholders. They are not pleased with the company’s overall performance regarding the shareholder value. I point out that the waitress’ cleavage is sharing its value. It’s important to look at the situation from various angles. The shareholders are happy now. We exchange family stories.

14:00: Back from lunch. Time for a power nap!

15:00: I dreamed I was fighting a two-headed dragon. One head resembled Peter Thompson whom I had fired earlier today. He was not spitting fire but cleavages instead.

15:05: Checking emails. Replies from three escorts: Alicia, Kelly and Ruben. Ruben used to be a woman, now he’s man.

15:15: Phone call with the Chief Marketing Officer regarding our new campaign. I don’t want an advertising agency to do the campaign. I want brand consultants. They wear dark suits and unspectacular ties. I like that.

15:45: Meeting with the head of HR. A former employee has filed a lawsuit.

17:15: Meeting over. We are going to rehire the former employee and make him a member of the leadership team. This way we can avoid the lawsuit.

17:20: Informing my PA that I can’t be disturbed: it’s time for another round of Candy Crush!

18:00: Calling my wife to let her know that I’m not home for dinner due to pressing business matters.

18:10: Booking a table at downtown’s finest restaurant.

18:20: Calling Kelly from the escort agency to inform her that I have booked a table for the two of us at 8 o’clock.

18:30: Writing encouraging emails to employees.

19:00: Writing threatening emails to middle management.

19:30: Writing incentivising emails to leadership team.

19:45: My chauffeur picks me up.

20:00: Dinner with Kelly turns out to be dinner with Ruben. My dissatisfaction doesn’t last long: it turns out Ruben also likes Candy Crush.

21:30: Ruben and I go skinny-dipping in the lake.

22:00: Returning to the office: I forgot to shut down my computer.

22:30: Arriving at home.

22:45: Playing a few more rounds of Candy Crush.

23:30: Going to bed.

23:35: Reflecting on the importance of being a true leader. Falling asleep with a smile.